The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Termination: Family Member

While visiting my in-laws in Wisconsin last week, I bought the most fabulous thing. It’s called Multiple-Choice Correspondence. It has a collection of some 48 “letters” with different subjects, organized into six categories. The categories are “Thanks,” “Staying in Touch,” “Congratulations,” “Regrets,” “Complaints,” “Termination,” and “Love.” Each “letter” contains an open-ended statement followed by five multiple choice options. Instead of writing a letter, you check off the appropriate choices and mail it.

Here’s the “letter” that is on my mind tonight:

CATEGORY: Termination
SUBJECT: Family Member


DEAR_______________

For many years now you’ve
  • made me the black sheep of the family.
  • been an unrepentant narcissist.
  • taken little notice of my accomplishments.
  • pissed me off.
  • _______________

It’s been incredibly difficult for me to
  • realize that I actually am a black sheep.
  • develop my own narcissism.
  • stop excusing your behavior.
  • access my anger through the self-protective veil of denial.
  • _______________

As you know, I’ve tried to
  • alert the humane society.
  • look in the mirror.
  • overachieve to gain your love.
  • lash out at you in every way possible.
  • _______________

Despite my best efforts, however, you
  • turned my room into a stable the second I left home.
  • continue to criticize the way I dress.
  • failed to congratulate me even when I was awarded the Nobel Prize.
  • are still an asshole.
  • _______________

Though blood may be thicker than water, I now must
  • inform everybody that I was a clone.
  • share all your dirty secrets with my therapist.
  • begin failing in order to merit your attention.
  • give you the finger.
  • _______________


  • Have a nice life,
  • Regretfully,
  • Sincerely,
  • Signed,
  • _______________



I’m quite tempted to send this out to my sister-in-law. Who would you like to send it to?

5 Comments:

  • Just popping in to some of my more frequent reads- my blog has had a change of location. No more Blogger hosting, so no mor worries about what if my files get wiped out, what if they add weird advertising things, what if... hehe

    http://www.tragicbeautiful.com/blog/

    Please change your links and/or book marks to me if you have them.

    I can think of several people to send that note to; those options are pretty great!

    By Blogger Debra, at 12:42 AM, May 15, 2005  

  • Thanks for the update on your new blog location. I will make a note of it!

    By Blogger Oz, at 4:33 PM, May 16, 2005  

  • Wonder who thought them up to begin with? Where were these things when I was young and had to write obligatory notes. I never got beyond the "How are you? I am fine" part. I started sending post cards to everyone every month, promising to "write soon." I never did of course. If I'd had your new system, wow, problem solved... ~;^)

    By Blogger foxymama, at 12:30 AM, May 18, 2005  

  • You sent letters or postcards to people EVERY MONTH? Wow, that's dedication. I have two penpals, and I'd be happy if I managed to send them letters every four months! It's been six months or more since I've written to either of my penpals. I'm feeling quite guilty about it...

    By Blogger Oz, at 8:53 AM, May 19, 2005  

  • Well, guilt is probably the glue that holds me together... The postcards were the prettiest ones I could find so I could bamboozle people into thinking they'd heard from me when actually all they said was 'Thinking of you. A letter is coming soon.' Of course the letters never did. Sigh... I probably haven't changed that much but at least I can do it electronically now. ~;^)

    By Blogger foxymama, at 11:38 PM, May 19, 2005  

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