The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Monday, November 15, 2004

The Impractical Nature of Candles

I saw Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason yesterday. Please, I implore you, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. For those of you who are in the process of buying/starting movie theaters, DO NOT SHOW THIS MOVIE. It is truly horrible in every way. There's even a girl-on-girl kiss towards the end, which normally I would love, but it was so ridiculous and so obviously put in there just to give guys something to be excited about, that I almost didn't want to watch it. And one of those chicks was hot!

But that is neither here nor there. No, the purpose of this post is to write about hotel rooms in movies and television. In Bridget Jones, at one point in the plot, she decides to go to a man's hotel room with him. There are literally about 100 candles lit in this room. Tea lights and candles everywhere. Yes, it looks very romantic. But hello, who lit all the frickin' candles? Did they get to the room, and then the guy said, "Hold on a second while I light ONE THOUSAND CANDLES. Actually, it'll be more like 20 minutes. You don't mind, do you?"

Maybe, maybe if you had enough money, you could arrange to have the hotel prepare the room for your arrival beforehand. I read a blog entry once where the woman enters the hotel room and there are candles, etc., everywhere. But if you wanted to pull this off, you'd need A) a lot of money, and B) a plan. In other words, you'd have to know when you were arriving so that the candles wouldn't be all burned down, etc. And you'd also have to know that you would have a sex partner when you arrived. Yes? Yes.

Back in my courting days with the Bread Winner, when she would come over, I would light some candles, etc. Of course, she was already there when I did this. And I think my maximum candle lighting topped out somewhere around five. Hey, candles aren't cheap (although tea lights are). And candles get dusty. And you need some place for them to be where they won't light anything else on fire. Having a hundred candles lit is just not practical--let alone the time-consuming part of it I already mentioned.

It's funny that I love watching television, but the more I see of it, the more critical I get of it. Or maybe it's not more television that is making me critical. Maybe it is more life.


  • Oh my god... that movie was terrible. We watched it last night. Nicole absolutely LOVES Bridget Jones, so she enjoyed it strictly for the fact that she got to see all of the old characters again. I couldn't have been more bored. The movie was an exact rehash of the original, just less funny... however, I couldn't have been more pleased with Bridget's wardrobe choices, especially towards the end of the film... if you catch my drift. I think Rene Zelleweiner gained at LEAST 15 pounds in each boob. Quite enjoyable.

    By Blogger Dan, at 10:27 AM, November 15, 2004  

  • So it sucked, huh? Damn...that sucks. I liked the first one and I couldnt wait to see this one...but I'm not hearing good things about maybe I'll skip. Thanks for saving me a few dollars!

    By Blogger D.T., at 10:36 AM, November 15, 2004  

  • I just made my own post that was almost a word-for-word copy of the comment I left here... just longer... and more boob-oriented... if that's even possible.

    By Blogger Dan, at 12:33 PM, November 15, 2004  

  • Don't forget Romance Rule #34: Hotels Hate Candles.

    Case in wife an I were on a little get away in Portland, OR at a trendy downtown hotel. We got one...ONE candle from Aveda to give the room a little romantic flair. After 10 minutes fire alarms were sounding through the entire floor...VERY LOUDLY complete with strobe effects. We of course were, er um...not really dressed for a rapid escape, so we quickly opened a window and started fanning the room like made with towels.

    Needless to say the mood was extinguished along with the candle so we slipped out casually before management came looking for the perpetrator of violating Romance Rule #34.

    By Blogger Wheelson, at 12:37 PM, November 15, 2004  

  • That candle thing has always made me crazy too. I could see maybe paying a hotel to have it all set up for you before you get to the room, but I don't see any realistic way of having all those candles lit at home. I'm sure you've also noticed that they like to put a bazillion candles around a bathtub too. Not only do I not have a very wide ledge running all the way around my bathtub, but I don't have a bathtub in my master bathroom. It's in the "main" bathroom, meaning the one my boys use, meaning there are all kinds of little toys filling the ledges around the tub.

    Romance is overrated anyway.

    By Blogger Whimsy Chick, at 12:42 PM, November 15, 2004  

  • Dan, The flopping breasts were fun. Especially with the way she insisted on running. Lots of jolting. And it didn't look like the twins had good support, either.

    DT, It really is that bad. Wait to rent it. Or at least go see a matinee. Don't spend $10 on it like I did.

    Wheelson, I had considered adding the fact that I imagine hotels would consider lighted candles a fire hazard, but I didn't. Thanks for adding that tip. And the image of you and your wife standing naked in front of a window waving a towel. I don't know if you were naked or not, but that's how I picture the scene. :)

    Kerrie, I also considered adding the tub with the rose pedals and candles to this rant, because wouldn't that water get cold really quickly? Even if you were 15 minutes late, or took your time taking off your clothes, by the time you got in there, it might only be luke warm. (The tub thing was also in Bridget Jones, fyi.) And also, maybe it's just me, but sex in water just isn't that good. Water is not as slippery as a woman's natural lubricant, and the water just washes away the natural lubricant, and then, well, it's a little too squeaky clean for hot sex. It's sort of like the myth that sex on a beach is good. Can you say sand EVERYWHERE? No fun.

    By Blogger Oz, at 3:43 PM, November 15, 2004  

  • Sex on the beach... that's what I never understood. I jsut can't imagine getting sand in all your... crevices. Especially for a woman who has more... inside areas (and sensitive ones at that) to get sand in. Just seems like an all around bad idea.

    By Blogger Newell, at 5:54 PM, November 15, 2004  

  • Newell, Exactly.

    By Blogger Oz, at 9:27 AM, November 16, 2004  

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