The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Thursday, September 09, 2004

You're in on My Secret

I know this will shock you, but I am not a particularly secretive person. I tend to tell anybody anything they want to know. Actually, I don't limit it to what they want to know--rather, I like to just share every little thought wandering through my mind. Those who can take my almost non-stop verbiage become my friends. Those who can't retreat into silence.

When I was trying to get pregnant last fall, I told everybody everything. No detail was spared. Sometimes I would be talking to my older friends, like Beth-Marie, or my mother, and I would say, "Do you want to hear about how a woman's cervical fluid is indicative of whether or not she's ovulating?" They of course would shudder and say, "God, please, no." I'd say, "Okay, I won't tell you." I'd wait a beat and then say, "But it's really cool--you see, first...." All the details--every last one of them--were forced down the throats of my friends and family. I told them in great detail about my menstrual cycle, about the consistency and color of my friend's semen, about the adventure the Bread Winner and I had at Grand Central Station picking out porn for him (the clerk looked from the porn to the Bread Winner [who looks about 12 even though she's almost 27] and asked, "Are you sure about this?"). They were good times; they were bad times; they were times that shouldn't have been talked about over lunch. None of that deterred me in the least. I had to share. I was completely obsessed and I could think of nothing else to talk about.

Then I went a little crazy. You keep hearing how I went a little crazy because of this and that, so you probably think either A) I am exaggerating or B) I have a severe psychological disorder. I like to think it's neither. The truth is that I've had two mini-breakdowns in my life. One was over the whole school thing I wrote about yesterday. The second was last winter when I discovered I wasn't pregnant again. This summer, although it has sucked big time, has yet to drive me to another mini-breakdown.

Last winter, it got to the point where I wanted to talk about how I was feeling and what was going on, but when I did, it made me crazier and more obsessed than ever. But I'd started it, and I couldn't stop it. People, so used to getting all the details, now steeled themselves when they saw me and said, "Lay it on me." So I did. But it seemed to lay on me more than anyone else.

Then there was the Big Break from trying to conceive, which has lasted from last February until today. In about three or four weeks, I should be trying to get pregnant. And I haven't told anyone the details about it. I actually even went so far as to lie to someone and say that we weren't going to start now for financial reasons. I hate to lie. It bothers me even now that I did it. But I had to. For my sanity this time around.

Obviously, the Bread Winner knows everything. And then there's you--my blog friends. You are my only outlet during this time. And I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it again. That's why I'm not telling the people in my life. I can't handle their hopes, which soar with my hopes and push my hopes higher and higher. And then there's the disappointment which I can't handle from them either. The way they look at me and what they tell me makes me feel even worse.

So this experience will exist between you and I, for better or worse, in pregnancy or infertility....

8 Comments:

  • I will do a wiccan fertility ritual in your honor.

    Good luck.

    Everything happens for a reason.... when its time.

    By Blogger Vadergrrrl, at 4:23 PM, September 09, 2004  

  • Frosted lucky charms, they're magically delicious!

    By Blogger Dan, at 7:01 PM, September 09, 2004  

  • I hate meeting new people who say, "So... tell me about yourself." I will inevitably answer, "What would you like to know about?" to which they usually tell me whatever I feel like sharing. At that point I tell them really dull details because I don't know what they might or might not give a flying flip about. So of course when I talk to people who know me I will just randomly tell them stuff whether I think they will find it interesting or not. They must deal with it.

    So yeah... share as much or as little as you like. It's your business to do with as you please.

    By Blogger Newell, at 9:53 PM, September 09, 2004  

  • Vader, Cool. I appreciate that. I've lost touch with my Wiccan connection. Tried it myself for a while, but I couldn't keep up--so many holidays! And no big commercial media blitz to relentlessly remind me about them!

    Newell, I guess what I was trying to convey in this post was that what I want and what is good for me are not necessarily the same thing. Going to try keeping it on the down-low this time, and hope that I also keep my sanity.

    Dan, uh, okay.

    By Blogger Oz, at 11:09 AM, September 10, 2004  

  • I really hope all works out, and please, for my weird obsession on people's lives, do not skimp on the details!

    By Blogger D.T., at 2:19 PM, September 10, 2004  

  • I wish you the best. Feel free to use us as an outlet as often as needed.

    By Blogger Diva, at 1:08 PM, September 11, 2004  

  • I think this outlet is a blessing. But never mind Dan. He slept with gymnast you know...so he's not impartial. ~;^) Seriously though, you know we're here for you...for the ups and the downs. Naturally, we're wishing you more ups than downs...except Dan who really likes ups and downs... Oops, did I say that?! ~;^)

    By Blogger foxymama, at 6:21 PM, September 11, 2004  

  • I don't get it. Ups and downs? Oh. Wait. Now I do.

    By Blogger Dan, at 10:49 PM, September 12, 2004  

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