The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Monday, August 23, 2004

Spreading My Legs Again

I think I should invent a reverse thigh master. Instead of creating a work out designed to increase your strength in putting your knees together, I should come up with an aparatus designed to increase your strength spreading your knees apart. I'm sure that tons of men would buy them and set them under the Christmas tree for their girlfriends, wives, or fuck-buddies. And then there's people like me who need the practice for going to the doctor.

I was thinking about this because I was at the doctor again to get another vaginal culture. The last test to be performed in my race to conception. Actually, it's more like a decathalon as opposed to just a race. You need an entire skill set to get pregnant as a lesbian, but hopefully I have finally finished phase one: getting all the shit together to send to the sperm bank so that they will sell me millions of spermies.

As I walked out of the doctor's office, I felt a sense of relief. I thought, Whew, that's over. The last test. The last time I'll be spreading my legs to strangers in white lab coats. Then I realized that rather than that being the last time, I've barely scratched the surface of my leg spreading opportunities. Getting pregnant through artificial insemination means that I'll be spreading my legs probably 3-5 times a month from here on out until I get a little Oz in the oven.

You see now how valuable the reverse thigh master would be for me. I could start my leg spreading work outs and be prepared next cycle.


  • Write to Suzanne Sommers. Maybe she'll be your spokesperson too.

    By Blogger Newell, at 8:37 PM, August 23, 2004  

  • Oz, you do realize of course that getting the little Oz in the oven is still not the end of the leg spreading, right?

    By Blogger Whimsy Chick, at 12:45 AM, August 24, 2004  

  • Does this mean I'll have to start that dancing thing again? Anyway, a thought just popped into my head (I'd better treat it kindly, it's in a strange place). Maybe spreading your legs isn't such a bad could have had an appointment with the proctologist... ~;^)

    By Blogger foxymama, at 2:27 AM, August 24, 2004  

  • Newell, Good thought. You don't think it would be a conflict of interest for her?

    Kerrie, Yes, but I think the leg spreading opportunities drastically decrease. I'm pretty sure that my friend who is pregnant can go for months at a time without seeing a doctor, and sometimes when she does go at this point, I'm pretty sure it's ultrasound focused. But if I'm wrong about that, I guess I'll be used to it by then from the getting pregnant phase anyway!

    Foxy, Brilliant! From here on out, I'll just think, "At least I'm not at the proctologist's!" Thanks!

    By Blogger Oz, at 8:33 AM, August 24, 2004  

  • I just finished editing an article entitled, "Response of the labia majora and minora to clitoral stimulation," and decided to drop by Oz's blog for some nice, non-vaginal banter, but NOOOOO! It's like everyone's talking about vaginas these days. Geez.

    Penis. Penis. Penis. Woo hoo!

    By Blogger Dan, at 10:57 AM, August 24, 2004  

  • I don't think it would be a conflict of interest. I'm thinking it would make Ms. Sommers that much closer to having a monopoly on leg exercises. She'd have in AND out. Next she could work on the up and down. Then she'd have her own little bipedal Outer Limits going on... "We control the vertical and the horizontal."

    By Blogger Newell, at 10:58 AM, August 24, 2004  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Dan, at 5:04 PM, August 24, 2004  

  • Ignore that last comment. All my comments are AWESOME (with caps)!

    By Blogger Dan, at 5:06 PM, August 24, 2004  

  • Dan, Penis got its mention in my Saturday post to my hosta. No vagina in that post at all, but penis showed up. Pay attention! (and just because you were out of town, it doesn't mean that you don't have to read all of my posts that you missed!)

    Newell, I see where you're going now. I will write Ms Sommers a letter and present it in such a way that she can see herself as the queen (dictator?) of all thigh exercises. She won't be able to resist!

    By Blogger Oz, at 9:47 AM, August 25, 2004  

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