The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Assholes, Assholes, Everywhere

I know what you're thinking: some people were rude/stupid/downright mean to me, and that has inspired this post. Au contraire, mon frere. I am talking about actual assholes--the orifice from which shit leaves our bodies. I realized today that I must look at an asshole dozens, if not hundreds of times, each and every day. Now, now, get your minds out of the gutter. I'm not talking about porn or even a hidden camera in the toilet. Rather, I am talking about all of my animals.

This occurred to me as my cat ran in front of me, being his cutest and trying to get my attention. In order to facilitate this, he walked halfway under the futon and looked back at me while raising his tail straight up, revealing, yes, his asshole in all its glory. It was hard to miss, looking like a round target with a tail pointing down towards it, "Lookie here!"

This is a common cat move. My cats constantly walk on top of me while I'm lying on the couch or on the bed. First, they drive their forehead into my face, then turn around, tail in the air, as if to say, "Check this out too!" Then they complete the circle, ramming their foreheads back into my face. I cannot count how many times that happens in a given hour, let alone an entire day.

And that's just the cats. The dogs also run around with their tails in the air. With the dogs, I get the added bonus of spending many, many minutes of my day actually watching shit come out of assholes. One of my dogs, Blue, freaks out if I close the back door while he's in the yard. This means that I stand there and wait for him to be done with whatever he's doing. You may not know this, but dogs tend to shit two or three times a day. That's a lot of shitting, and I have a lot of dogs. I stand there, the screen door propped open, and watch as they shit. Sometimes I actually cheer the shit on, "Come on, come on, that's it, drop off..." Why? Because once they're done shitting, I make them come in so that I can return to watching TV and/or reading blogs.

While contemplating assholes and the frequency with which they are brought to my attention, it occurs to me that I go to rather great lengths to keep my asshole from ever being seen by anyone. I don't even like to bend over from the waist when I'm naked, because I can then feel the air breeze by my asshole, and I know it's there for the viewing. No, no, I bend from the knees, asshole pointed safely down.

Everyone knows that dogs (and probably cats, too) get all sorts of useful information from sniffing assholes: age, fertility status, health status, position in the pack. I wonder what we are denying ourselves by working so hard to keep something covered that might, actually, be very informative.

Well, here's my cat again, weaving his way around my legs, meowing, wanting love, trying to entice me to pet him by showing his asshole.


  • Can't... stop... laughing!

    By Blogger Whimsy Chick, at 1:02 PM, July 15, 2004  

  • You need fuzzier animals. I rarely see the assholes of my persian cats. How they manage to take a shit and not get it all over the fur back there is beyond me.

    By Blogger NotCuredYet, at 1:14 PM, July 15, 2004  

  • I, myself, am a furry animal, and I too wonder the same thing the commenter directly above me does.

    By Blogger Dan, at 5:33 PM, July 15, 2004  

  • Kerrie--glad I can amuse. :)

    NotCuredYet: Fuzzier animals are not the answer for me. I have more than 5, less than 10 pets right now. Do you have any idea who many dust bunnies of hair that generates? I'll stick with the short hair and deal with the assholes. :)

    Dan: Sometimes shit does get stuck in longish hair. Most animals are willing to clean their assholes with their tongues....are you?

    By Blogger Oz, at 1:17 PM, July 16, 2004  

  • My mother works at an assisted living place and she's constantly telling me stories about the animals there. They try to keep animals around to give the place a homey feel, but most of the time the animals end up getting sick because everyone and their mother is feeding them crap all day.

    Anyway, she likes to do impressions of the one cat and the random positions he sits and lays in. I know posting about it can't do it justice. Unfortunately I didn't realize that until after I started this post. Oh well.

    By Blogger Janet, at 10:12 AM, July 17, 2004  

  • How funny you are!!!!i found your blog via retail blog, and now i think i am gonna be hooked.I will never look at my three cats bums the same way, now...lolol

    By Blogger Lisa, at 9:49 AM, July 28, 2004  

  • I read your post a few days back. I couldn't stop laughing.

    I saw this, thought of your article and had to come back and post the link here:

    cat butt magnets!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:18 AM, August 05, 2004  

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