The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Big Night

So tonight is the night of our little dinner party. It's not really a dinner party. More of just a dinner with three people coming over. As you may remember, John Doe is one of the three people. I have no idea if he even has an answer for me, but I've built this night up in my head as The Night I Find Out the Answer. Having gotten the news that the Bread Winner's sister is pregnant makes me hope he says yes even more. Ick. I hate getting all worked up about this.

I've tried to get pregnant before: September, November, and January of last fall/winter. Then I was also using the fresh stuff from a friend. Obviously, it didn't work. It was super complicated. He lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. I traveled to be out west when I would ovulate, but it was a pain in the ass and frought with tension and uncertainty. Guessing when a woman will ovulate can be like guessing which day it's going to rain three weeks from now. Some women have clockwork cycles. Not me.

On top of all that, my friend had lots and lots of issues. I have issues, too, and these things clashed. Making the plans to go out there usually started with an argument and ended with a compromise that made both of us uneasy. Basically, he needs a lot of privacy and "alone time." He wanted me to stay no longer than three or four days. As it was impossible for me to predict my ovulation into that small a window, I wanted to stay for an entire week. Then he wanted me to stay in a hotel; I didn't have the money; etc. etc. etc.

All of the stress around traveling, along with my hope/anxiety about getting pregnant in the first place, wrecked havoc with my cycle. It extended from a normal 30-32 day cycle to a 38 day cycle. Yikes. On top of all that, my weight ballooned, and I found myself 30 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. I wasn't pregnant; I hated the way my body looked; and I was going crazy. A breakdown loomed large in front of me, and I raced towards it headlong.

I ended up in the emergency room last February with a phantom pain in my abdomen. Turned out to be nothing. When I got home after a long night in the ER, I knew that it was anxiety related--that I had done this to myself. I decided to take a break and get myself back on track, both mentally and physically. I've lost close to 30 pounds. That part is done. But the mental part...I just won't know until I get back on the rollarcoaster ride that is trying to conceive.

I don't want to be crazy this time around, but I'm concerned that I will. I've already got myself worked up about whether or not John Doe will say yes or no. It's like a mini-version of what would happen when I had to wait to see if I was pregnant (a two week long torture between ovulation and the arrival of a woman's period). I would tell myself the entire time, "It would be nice to be pregnant, but if I'm not, it's okay. There's always next month. Getting tense isn't going to help anything." But when it came right down to it, I was completely consumed, paying attention to every little quirk and twinge of my body, hoping, hoping, hoping that I was pregnant, secretly believing that I was pregnant, only to be destroyed when my period arrived.

Now I hear the same voice in my head about John Doe's answer: "It's okay if he says no. I expect him to say no. Not a problem." But secretly, I'm desperately hoping that he says yes. The craziest part is, I have no reason even to hope that he'll say anything one way or the other! Is this a sneak preview of what I'm going to put myself through again? God I hope not.

7 Comments:

  • Have you considered adoption? I know it doesn't compare with the bond created by carrying a child to term, but it's always an option. Of course, if you've written about adoption in a prior post, I apologize for not having read it.

    By Blogger Dan, at 11:33 AM, June 29, 2004  

  • Dan, I have considered adoption--quite seriously. However, call me whatever you will, but I want a healthy baby (under 24 months). There is ZERO chance of me getting a US-born baby (not rich, lesbian), which means adopting from a 3rd world country. I know several people who have done that, and we looked into it. The problem there is that it costs a FORTUNE--$15k-$20k. In other words, it's much cheaper just to have one yourself. If I prove to be infertile, and the Bread Winner is as well, we'll probably get the money together somehow and adopt. Until then, we'll do it the old fashioned way (well, kind of ;)

    By Blogger Oz, at 2:29 PM, June 29, 2004  

  • Dropping by mid story so I'm a bit confused.

    Are you asking John Doe to be the daddy?

    Where does John Doe live?

    What does this have to do with the dinner party?

    Lost in Jersey,

    J

    By Blogger Janet, at 5:11 PM, June 29, 2004  

  • Hey Janet, Read previous posts: "Sperm: the Missing Ingredient," "Seventeen and Life to Go," and "My Period Arrives," and you'll be all caught up. If you don't feel like reading all of that, the short answers are, 1) John Doe is a friend, 2) We are asking him to be the bio-Dad (and give up his paternal rights), and 3) He lives nearby.

    By Blogger Oz, at 5:20 PM, June 29, 2004  

  • Oh, one more thing: the dinner party tonight is the first time I've seen him since I asked him, so I'm hoping he'll have an answer. That's it.

    By Blogger Oz, at 5:21 PM, June 29, 2004  

  • Hope the dinner went well, and if it didn't at least you know and can fine someone else to help. Stress is nasty and has been shown to inhibit getting pregnant. As one of my friends often tell me
    "Relax, no expectations, if it happens, it happens, if it don't, smile and move on"

    By Blogger Esther, at 7:52 AM, June 30, 2004  

  • I think I got it now. Waiting to hear what the result of the dinner was. Was the food good? Is he willing to be a daddy? Of course these questions hold an entirely different importance, but still...

    By Blogger Janet, at 9:00 AM, June 30, 2004  

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