The Bean Blog (currently on hiatus)

Friday, May 28, 2004

A Third of Me

I was thinking about "signs" today. For instance, I've been on a diet for the past 3+ months. As of last Tuesday, I had lost 29.5 pounds. My goal was to lose 30. So I was only half a pound from my goal. But this serious wave of depression hit me on Monday or Tuesday, and on Tuesday, I decided that I had to have some ice cream. Now, I haven't had any real ice cream for 3+ months (had some fake, diet stuff a few times). I've wanted ice cream many, many times. I've struggled with my desires, but for the past 3 months, I've managed to stay away from ice cream. But not on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I took myself down to the convenience store, generously stocked with many flavors of Ben & Jerry's and Hagan Daas, and I picked out a pint. I went home, with my ice cream in my hand, and as I was unlocking the door, the neighborhood crossing guard (school nearby) said, "You look great." She knows I've been on a diet. Everyone in the neighborhood does. As I looked at the ice cream in my hand, I thought, "Is this a sign? Should I NOT eat the ice cream after all?" Well, I ate it and promptly put on three pounds. Sigh. Then today, I rode my motorcycle into town to meet a friend for lunch. I'm still feeling depressed and down, and as I made my way back to my bike, a few big drops of rain started to fall. I though, "Great. I'm depressed, and now I'm going to get soaked on my way home. Woe is me." But then it stopped raining. Or really, I should say that it never started--just a few isolated drops fell. As I got on my bike and headed home, I wondered if that was a sign--were things going to get better for me? I've decided that's bullshit and my life still sucks, rain or no rain.

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